|Played by||John Corbett|
|Occupation|| Radio disc jockey|
|Title||"Chris in the Morning"|
|Family|| Abe Stevens (father)|
Roy Bower (uncle)
Bernard Stevens (half-brother)
|Last appearance||"Tranquillity Base"|
He travelled to Alaska to seek his fortune and became a DJ at Maurice Minnifield's radio station KBHR ("K-Bear") in Cicely, Alaska. He rides a Harley-Davidson motorcycle and lives simply in his Airstream trailer (which he has remodelled towards series end) next to a lake, where he reads authors like Thoreau and creates sculptures and performance art. He also fishes and hunts (birds and deer).
Lacking a steady father figure, Chris grew up a hoodlum (including bullying homosexuals). As an adult he experimented with several recreational drugs such as peyote and psilocybin (Chris had a "missing year", he lived naked in a cave in the Jemez Mountains in New Mexico for a few months, among other adventures). He was imprisoned for 18 months for grand theft auto of a 1971 Firebird. He learned much from his fellow inmates; when he was paroled in 1986, he was broadly educated in the ways of the world.
During one Thanksgiving, Chris is homesick for prison life.
Chris is an ex-convict (thus, he can't vote) in violation of his parole from the state of West Virginia and was briefly threatened with being returned to prison. The Cicelians tried to convince the Federal judge hearing his case that, due to his time in Alaska, he was a "different person, who did not deserve to go to jail." The judge was not convinced by this argument; however, she ruled that if the state of West Virginia wanted him, they would have to come get him themselves.
His father was a traveling salesman who spent half his time with Chris and his mother, and half with a second family in Oregon. Chris and his half-brother Bernard Stevens, born the same day, knew nothing of each other until they met on their 30th birthday. Chris' father left him an inheritance of $30,000.
Chris' lineage is "short lived"; his father and uncle Roy Bower died at ages 42 and 43 respectively. Accordingly, Chris has long expected to die around age 40 as well, before all of his indiscretions, including many one-night stands and drug use, have caught up to him; and is briefly at a loss when he learns that medication for hypertension can give him more decades.
Maurice tries to adopt Chris, with disastrous results, when Maurice becomes a little too controlling; after one particularly frustrating afternoon with Maurice, Chris politely tells him to "shove it" and storms off to get a drink.
Chris is perhaps Cicely's most poetic soul, given to reading Thoreau, Walt Whitman, Carl Jung, and Maurice Sendak on-air (and quoting others off-air). Studying philosophy has given him a generally calm demeanor, but he has his limits. He loses his voice, gets tongue-tied, and helps Ed woo a girl with his poetry.
This is a list (episodes needed) of various works Chris has quoted or read on-air:
- Edna St. Vincent Millay, Renascence and Other Poems
- Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth
- Shakespeare, the complete works
- Shakespeare, The Tempest
- Carl Jung, Man and his Symbols
- Voltaire, Henriade
- Stephen Hawking, A Brief History of Time
- Hegel, Early Technological Writings
- Kierkegaard, The Sickness Unto Death
- Emmanuel Kant, Critique of Pure Reason
- Walt Whitman, the complete works
- Nietzsche, Logic and The Metaphysics of Morals
- Tolstoy, War and Peace
- Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Things Are
- Baudelaire, Flowers of Evil (in translation, Chris does not read French)
- The Papers of Thomas Jefferson
- Alexis de Tocqueville, the complete works
- Jack London, Call of the Wild
- Holling Clancy Holling, Paddle-to-the-Sea
- Herman Melville, Billy Budd
- Robert Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
- Raymond Chandler, Red Wind
- Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez, One Hundred Years of Solitude
- E.B. White, Charlotte's Web
- Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell (editor), The Portable Jung
- Marcel Proust, Remembrance of Things Past
- Edward Lear, The Owl and the Pussycat
- Algernon Charles Swinburne, When the Hounds of Spring Are on Winter's Traces
- Henry David Thoreau, The Writings of Henry D. Thoreau
- John Whitaker Watson, Beautiful Snow And Other Poems
- Robert A. Johnson, She: Understanding Feminine Psychology
- Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex: Volume Two, Lived Experience
- Carl Jung, The Meaning of Psychology for Modern Man
- Frederick Langridge, A Cluster of Quiet Thoughts
- Thomas Paine, Rights of Man
- William Wordsworth, Poems In Two Volumes
- Henry David Thoreau, Walden
- Robert Frost, A Boy's Will
- Anne Rice, The Vampire Lestat
- Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream
Chris went to Lincoln Elementary and Wheeling Central Catholic High School (class of 1981). Chris is self-taught in physics, which he loves to discuss. Chris almost gets his pilot license. Chris completes his correspondence course in English literature by defending his Master's thesis.
Chris is Cicely's only clergyman, ordained in the "Worldwide Church of Truth and Beauty" when he answered an advertisement in Rolling Stone magazine. He takes Shelly Tambo's confession, divorces her from her high school sweetheart Wayne, almost marries her to Holling Vincoeur, (and eventually does), marries Adam and Eve, and Ron and Erick. Chris becomes temporary part owner of The Brick but discovers he is a renter, not an owner. Chris tries to teach Marilyn how to drive but it doesn't go so well. Chris helps Holling and Shelly relieve their sexual tension through Hindu tantra.
- Northern Lights metal sculpture and another metal sculpture with various lights
- Trebuchet flings: Maggie's piano, his friend Tooley's coffin
Chris has a casual attitude towards sex, as is evidence by several short-term encounters with women he has had throughout the series. Chris' first true love was Leslie Ferguson. A beautiful woman "stole" his voice and he almost slept with Maggie to get it back. Chris' pheremones make all the women of Cicely lust after him, except for a visiting optometrist (Irene) who he falls in love with. Chris falls in love again with a mathematician after killing her dog. While taking a "vacation" at a monastery, Chris thinks he is developing feelings towards a man but it turns out to be a woman. Bernard falls in love with Chris' girlfriend. Chris' former high school crush turns out to be different than he remembered her. Chris is attracted to Maggie's power when she runs for mayor.
- Mindy, from Boston; Chris found her in the woods
- (Unnamed female), Chris tries to have sex with her in Maurice's Cadillac but can't because he keeps thinking of sprouts (Maurice: "Seeds sprout, son")
- Chelsea, helps Chris with his Northern Lights sculpture; hiked out to Baker's Point for granite for his sculpture and found her
- Pattie and Linda, Chris is impotent because he keeps thinking about Irene, the optometrist
- Carla, rode on Chris' motorcycle (in dialogue) and was going to go with Chris to another place but Chris decided not to and she said she would hitch a ride with someone else
- Amy, Chris runs over her dog and, when he goes over to tell her the bad news, he becomes enamored
Chris: It was a day not unlike any other day, in the summer of 1976. I, a boy of 15, and my oldest and dearest friend, Dickie Heath, having just stolen a car from the parking lot of a Shop Easy and finding ourselves with nothing much to do, entered a house on Foxhill Lane. While Dickie rifled the upstairs for valuables, I entered the sitting room where, while pocketing a gold leaf pen and a silver humidor, came across the book that completely and irrevocably changed my life. So, this morning, Chris in the Morning is gonna dispense with the weather and traffic report and the local news, and get down with the Complete Works of Walt Whitman:
- When lilacs last in the dooryard bloom'd,
- And the great star early droop'd in the western sky in the night,
- I mourn'd, and yet shall mourn with ever-returning spring.
- Ever-returning spring, trinity sure to me you bring,
- Lilac blooming perennial and drooping star in the west,
- And thought of him I love...
Chris: Months later, as I sat in a juvenile detention home rereading those poems that had opened up the artist in me, I was blindsided by the raging fist of my incarcerator, who informed me that Walt Whitman's homoerotic, unnatural, pornographic sentiments were unacceptable and would not be allowed in an institution dedicated to reforming the ill-formed. That Whitman, that great bear of a man, enjoyed the pleasures of other men came as a great surprise to me...and made me reconsider the queers that I had previously kicked around.
Chris: ...the musical shuttle, Out of the Ninth-month midnight, Over the sterile sand...
Maurice: Haul your ass out of that chair, Stevens!
Maurice: I said, get your butt up outta there, now!
(crash of glass; Chris and Maurice grunt)
Joel: Who is that?
Joel: She from around here?
Chris: No. She's from, uh, Boston.
Joel: Yeah? Where'd you find her?
Chris: In the woods.
Joel: In the woods? Which woods? These woods?
Joel: Y-You found a girl from Boston that looks like that, in these woods?
Joel: Wh-What was she doing here?
Chris: Just walkin'.
- "Soapy Sanderson" (1-3)
Maurice: "She's Actin' Single, I'm Drinkin' Double"..."I'm The Only Hell My Mama Ever Raised"? Chris, you play this crap at 6:00 in the morning, you're gonna be lookin' down so many barrels you'll think you've landed in an NRA convention. And I'll be leading the pack!
Chris: Soapy once told me that the thing he loved most about country music was its sense of myth. There's heroes and villains, good and bad, right and wrong. The protagonists strolls into bar, which he sees as a microcosm of the big picture. He contemplates his existence and he asks himself, 'who's that babe in the red dress?' (turns to Joel) All right. Well, you know the way I see it, if you're here for four more years or four more weeks; you're here right now. You know, and I think when you're somewhere you ought to be there, and because it's not about how long you stay in a place. It's about what you do while you're there. And when you go is that place any better for you having been there? Am I answering your question?.
Joel: Uh, no, not really.
Chris: (laughs) What was your question?
Joel: What am I gonna say to Maggie?
Chris: I don't know.
Joel: It would help if I hadn't had to sleep in a kennel. I-I can't even think straight.
Chris: I think you oughta just be honest. You know, don't skirt the issue. Don't... you know, just deal with it head-on.
Joel: I know.
Chris: I'd tell her she's got great lips.
Chris: Hey, there! This is Chris In The Morning and we're on the phonelines. Who am I talking too?
Jules: Jules, up on the Koyuk River.
Chris: Hey, Jules, what's on your mind today?
Jules: I went up to Baker's Point this morning to find Holling. He used to make camp the with the Littlejohn boys...
Chris: Cut to the chase, Jules.
Jules: All I saw was a couple of empty beer can and used condoms.
Chris: It's occasions like these that... my thoughts turn to marriage. I think of the Dalai Lama, The Pope, Mother Teresa; very spiritual people who never took the plunge. Then on the other hand, we have Elizabeth Taylor and Mickey Rooney, who couldn't get enough of a good thing. What do we make of this dichotomy? Well, we're here to wish our friends a long life filled with happiness. Shelly Tambo, do you take this man to be you lawful, wedded husband till death do you part?
Chris: Holling Vincour, do you take this lovely girl to be your lawful, wedded wife till death do you part? ... Holling? Holling?
Holling: I wonder if I might speak with Shelly for a moment? In private.
- "Sex, Lies and Ed's Tape" (1-6)
Maurice: It is...it is noise!
Chris: What are you talking about, Maurice?! It's very melodic. Indian music has it's own very specific lyricism.
Maurice: It sounds like people are throwin' garbage cans around! It's a lot of caterwauling. Yes, it is noise. Look, I like it...
Chris: Let's put on a show tune, huh? Carousel?
Maurice: I like it when you play; wh-when you talk on the air. I like it when you talk to people on the radio.
Chris: I play the records and you run the station!
Maurice: Play Schubert, play Sondheim, play Edith Piaf. Put something on that's got a little something to it!
Chris: Hey, I'm playing what I wanna play. That's the deal, right?
Maurice: No, no, no. The deal is, you play what you wanna play as long as I like it.
Chris: Oh, that's the deal? Forget it!
Maurice: Alright then, forget it.
Chris: I play the records and you run the station!
Joel: Nonspecific urethritis. Ya hear what I'm sayin'? Ya hear what I'm talkin' about? It's not catchy, but you ought to keep the falcon under wraps for a awhile. Otherwise, we're gonna have to clip his wings. Ya hear what I'm sayin', Valentino.
Chris: Yeah, I hear ya. (car horn honks)
Joel: Hey! Hey! I'm crossin' here! I'm crossin' here! You don't talk to a learned physician that way! Same to you, pal! Can't wait to get that jerk in the examining room. I got a barium enema with his name on it. Yeah, let me take you to Donald Trump. He's a friend of mine.
Chris: You know Donald Trump?
Joel: Oh, yeah. I started him out in the business, actually.
Chris: Whoo, boy!
- "A Kodiak Moment" (1-7)
Chris: This is Chris in the Morning. And the temperature today is a cool 47 degrees with a high in the low 60s. Enjoy it while it lasts, folks, 'cause it won't be long till Cicely's breaking out her snowsuit and mukluks. Now for the traffic report...Maggie O'Connell just drove down Main Street too fast. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, we got a special request from Dr. Fleischman. He said it would go well with his breakfast. (starts playing Stardust) We're wearing this one out, Doc.
Chris: Hey, guess what?! We're talkin' to Janet Lockerbee down in Los Angeles. Ya'll remember Janet. She grew up here in Cicely and...well, she's building bombers down at McDonnell-Douglas. Enough said. How's it goin' Janet?
Janet: Chris in the Morning, hi!
Chris: Uh, hi! Janet, where in L.A. are you callin' from?
Janet: Actually, I'm on my car phone and I'm caught in one bear of a traffic jam on the San Diego Freeway.
Chris: No kidding? (distracted) Sounds pleasant.
Janet: I sure do miss Cicely, Chris.
Chris: Oh, really? Uh, what do you miss most?
Janet: Oh, I dunno. Clean air, I guess. My dad, caribou steak. Definitely Chris in the Morning. Especially the that little dimple on your umm--
Chris: Hey-hey, Janet, uhh...(chuckles) We miss you too. What can I do for you on this fine Alaskan morning?
Janet: Well, it's my dad's birthday today.
Chris: Happy birthday, Ray.
Janet: If you could play some Glenn Campbell, it would really make his day.
Chris: You got it, Janet.
Janet: Happy birthday, Daddy!
Chris: Hey Maurice, guess what happened last night? Lightning bolt knocked a tree through the side of my trailer. So...I was wondering if you could advance me a few bucks so I can get it fixed, so the mosquitoes don't... (assessing Maurice's stare) What?
Maurice: Where'd you say you were from, son?
Chris: Wheeling, West Virginia.
Maurice: Yeah, the 'Almost Heaven' state. Yeah. You got any family there?
Chris: Umm, no,no. My mother and father, they're gone.
Maurice: For good?
Chris: Yeah, they umm...they died.
Maurice: Good. You have any problem with insanity in your family?
Chris: Not that I know of. Everybody was pretty normal. Failures, but uhh...normal. What's this about, Maurice? You finally getting me that health insurance?
Maurice: This is all mine, son...far as the eye can see. Fifteen thousand acres. Fifteen thousand acres of opportunity. Planned communities. Resorts. Roads. Mini-Malls.
Chris: Vineyards. You know; grapes, vino.
Maurice: You got boozers hangin' in your family tree, son?
Chris: Couple. What's the deal Maurice? You didn't bring me up here to show me the sights.
Maurice (sighing): I got a problem, Chris.
Chris: What kind of problem?
Maurice: I need a son, son.
Maurice: I need somebody to carry on the Minnifield family name. Somebody who will seize the keys to the kingdom...and use them to unlock the future. After careful consideration, I've decided that person is you.
Chris (snickering): Yeah. You're kidding me, right?
Maurice: I never kid about my assets, son.
Chris: Www... Alright, why me, Maurice?
Maurice: Because...you don't have anybody, and...I don't have anybody, and we could both use a family. I'm offering you a home, Chris. Roots. Fortune. What do you say?
Chris: I don't know. I don't know, Maurice...
Maurice: Look at all this. (gestures) The Minnifield empire could be yours. Consider that.
Chris: Maurice, come on! I mean, the whole notion of you and me; father and son... Doesn't that strike you as a little off?
Maurice: Hell no! You've worked for me. I've known you for a while... What do you say, Chris?
Chris: What the hell. I'll give it a try.
Maurice: That's my boy! (pats Chris' face) Welcome to the family.
Chris: Pass the biscuits?
Maurice: Sure, son. (slides plate) Eat up, son! More where that came from.
Chris: Thanks, Maurice.
Maurice: Uhhh, Chris...do you mind if I close the gap a little bit?
Chris: Oh, sure. No. Come down. (Maurice moves) You make a mean biscuit, Maurice. It's getting kinda lonely down here by myself anyway.
Maurice: (chuckles) Uh...Chris?
Chris: Yes, sir?
Maurice: Don't call me that.
Maurice: Sir. Don't call me sir.
Chris: Okay, Maurice.
Maurice: That too.
Chris: What too?
Chris: That's your name!
Maurice: I know. Look, Chris, umm...do you think that you could...call me, uh, Dad?
Maurice: Well, I-I know it sounds strange. And, uhh, probably seem unnatural at first, but uhh...would you just...give it a try? See how it sounds coming out of your mouth before you say no.
Chris (sighing) ...Okay. Daaaad?
Maurice: Yeah! (laughs) That wasn't so hard, was it? (chuckles)
Chris: No, I guess not.
Maurice: Yeah. So, how was umm...how was school today, son?
Chris: Maurice, I'm not in school!
Maurice: I know. I just wanted to see how it felt to say that.
Chris: It's 6:15, Chinooks. Rise and shine. I can smell those griddlecakes. Mom's squeezing Valencias. Dad's getting ready for work. Today is Family Day on "Chris in the Morning". Let's do something nice for our parents. Clean up your rooms. Bring Dad the paper. Send the grandfolks the video of the kids you've been promising.
Chris: I gotta get goin'.
Maurice: What, do you have plans?
Chris: Yeah, I got a date.
Maurice: Oh, well, that's fine, son. Umm, do you need any pocket change or any money for gas?
Chris: No. I'm okay.
Maurice: Oh. Well...remember, son, seeds sprout.
(later on Chris' date in the back of Maurice's--now Chris' caddie)
Date: Chris, honey, what's wrong?
Chris: This isn't working.
Date: Well, what's the matter?
Chris: I don't know. I-I keep thinkin' of sprouts. I just--I can't do it.
Date: Hey, it's OK. You got troubles at home?
Maurice (to Chris about his croquet shot): Well, that's kinda piddly, but it's a start.
Chris: Naw, it's a...that's a finish.
Maurice: What? What do you mean?
Chris: I tried it. I don't like it.
Maurice: You're-you're quitting?!
Chris: That's right.
Maurice: Well, Minnifields are not quitters!
Chris: Well, guess what? The Stevenses are, alright? We quit everything, in case you haven't heard. School, work--you name it. The only thing we don't quit is drinking.
Maurice: You consider yourself grounded, young man!
Chris: Well, stick it between your legs, "Dad".
- "Aurora Borealis" (1-8)
Chris: Whenever there's a new moon looming on the horizon, I'll inevitably get a call from someone saying, "Hey, Chris, how about that sucker?" I'll usually say something cordial like, "Oh, yeah. It's a marvelous night for a moon dance" or "I wonder what old Sun Myung Moon's up to tonight." But, knowing how we've been tossing and turning these past few nights, for fear of where our dreams may be taking us, I'm not about to pretend that-that man in that moon has our best interests at heart. No way. He's too much of a kidder. So, until the big fella packs his bags and hits the road, put away those sharp utensils and stay close to your loved ones. If you're lucky enough to have any. I'll see you in the morning, folks. Or the moonlight...whichever comes first.
Chris: Hey, Chelse...if I don't see you before you leave, thanks for, uhh...you know.
Maurice: Uhh, Chris, uhh...where'd you hook up with this one?
Chris: Oh, I, uhh, hiked out on Baker's Point for some granite for my lunar constellation.
Maurice: You found her way the hell out on Baker's Point?
Maurice: Boy (chuckles), you got some snout, son. You're like a pig with truffles when it comes to the fillies!
Maurice: (scoffs) Maurice...
Holling: What'll you have this morning, Christopher: eggs, bacon, "Moonlight Sonata"?
Chris: No more tape delays. Live radio from here on out.
Shelly: Well, what were you talking about this morning? Jung and...what was that other stuff?
Chris: The collective unconscious.
Shelly: Do they tour, or do they just cut records? (Bernard snorts)
Chris: Well, I'll be reading excerpts from Jung and his study on "Man and His Symbols" all week. So...you can catch up.
Bernard: That was you on the radio?
Bernard: Interesting. Very interesting.
Chris: Have you read any Jung?
Bernard: No. But I've had some strange dreams lately. Very strange.
Shelly: Me too.
Chris: Well, everybody does. I mean, Jung says that dreams are the woofer and tweeter of the total sound system.
Bernard: Then perhaps you know what I'm talking about. (moves one chair closer to Chris) It's crazy. One morning you're living your life in Portland. You get up and go to work at the IRS. Nothin' special. Then you have this dream--or at least you think it's a dream, but you're not sure. So you quit your job, you sell your condo, and buy a Harley--although you're afraid of motorcycles. And then you head north with no fixed destination in mind. But you know you've gotta keep goin' and goin' and goin'. And, just when you thought you've lost touch with everything that was once real, you find yourself in Cicely, Alaska--on the cusp of the new Alaskan Riviera. Do you know what I mean?
Chris: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
Bernard: You do?
Holling: Umm, more coffee, Chris?
Chris: Yeah. Thanks Holling.
Bernard: Yeah, please.
(Chris and Bernard strike identical poses and drink their coffee in unison)
Chris: I was thinking about putting the Ursa Major and vernal constellations over there, but I checked out this astronomy book and--no constellations over there.
Bernard: Have you considered painting it?
Chris: Well, it's not finished yet, you know. Why, should I?
Bernard: It reminds me of the northern lights, the colors of which I'm told, are extremely vivid.
Chris: That's incredible.
Chris: No, Bernard; I call my sculpture "The Aurora Borealis". The aurora borealis and the northern lights are the same thing.
Bernard: Interesting... What would you think about big bands of copper swirling on the periphery?
Chris: Yeah, that might work.
Chris: I have a whole bag of protrusions I haven't even touched yet!
Bernard: I can help you finish this.
Chris: Nah, I couldn't.
Bernard: Hey, I'm not goin' anyplace. At least I don't think I am.
Chris: Bernard; clubs, diamonds, hearts, spades.
Bernard: It's all coming back...I think.
Holling: But you do play bridge?
Bernard: My father was an avid card player.
Chris: Mine too.
Bernard: He taught us lots of games. I think bridge was one of 'em.
Maggie: We can play the first hand open face.
Bernard: Nah, don't do anything on my account.
Holling: Hey, you mind if I close these curtains? This moonlight is a bit too bright.
Chris: Bernard, communication's the key. It's important we be on the same wavelength.
Maggie: All right. I dealt, I pass.
Chris: 13 points to open, five card--
Bernard: Two clubs.
Maggie: Two clubs. Pass.
Chris: Three clubs.
Bernard: Three no-trump?
Chris: All right! Yes! Perfect! Zip-a-dee-doo-dah.
Maggie: All right.
Holling: Your lead, Maggie.
Bernard: It's a laydown.
Holling: Not again?!
Bernard: I crossruff the singleton, play the queen for finesse, and run the trump.
Holling: We've been skunked.
Maggie: Or hustled.
Bernard: Beginner's luck, I assure you.
Maggie: Well, maybe a dinner break will cool you guys off.
Chris: You know, about dinner, I'm still thinking about getting back to work on "The Aurora Borealis".
Bernard: Actually, I'm not hungry, I'm itching to go back to work on "The Aurora Borealis".
(Chris and Bernard rise simultaneously)
Maggie: I understand.
Bernard: Hope to play again soon.
Chris: Thanks for the game.
Bernard/Chris: Bye, Maggie. Bye, Holling.
(Holling looks confused and shrugs)
Chris: It's time for this head to hit the pillow.
Bernard: Good idea. get some winks. I'll keep the home fires burning.
Chris: What, are you kiddin'? We'll pick it up in the morning.
Bernard: Nah, I prefer to work straight through.
Chris: What for? I mean, we're way ahead of schedule now. Besides, you probably haven't slept in a while.
Bernard: I haven't slept since I left Portland five days ago.
Chris: Five days ago?!
Chris: Bernard, I started workin' on this five days ago.
Bernard: You think it's a coincidence?
Chris: I don't know but (scoffs) you must be awfully tired.
Bernard: Nah, I don't sleep much. It must be hereditary. My father was an insomniac.
Chris: That's rough.
Bernard: Ahh, Pop made it work to his advantage. He was a truck driver, so he'd burn a lot of midnight rubber on those all night cross-country trips.
Chris: Yeah, my daddy travelled around a lot too. He uhh, sold those greeting cards door to door. But he was a sound sleeper.
Bernard: It's always the trade-off.
Chris: Well, y'know, the thing I'd miss most about not sleepin'--would be the dreams.
Bernard: It's my dreams that are keeping me awake.
Chris: Oh, yeah? How's that work?
Bernard: Ever since I left Portland, everything's been like a dream. I mean, coming to this town, meeting you, this sculpture; not to mention this crazy moon. My single biggest nightmare is that I'll nod off, and I'll fall asleep, and then I'll have to wake up, and none of this will be as if it ever happened.
Chris: I can see how that could be a problem. Y'know, it's like Jung says, the unconscious it's revealed through the imagery of our dreams, which express our innermost fears and our desires.
Bernard: Jung said that?
Chris: Yeah. I think it was Jung. Maybe Vincent Price.
Bernard: You don't have to go to all this trouble on my account.
Chris: No trouble. You get the bed, I get the bag and the blinders.
Bernard: I might as well be on the floor, because I'm gonna be the one starin' at the ceiling.
Chris: Hey, no negativity now. You get comfortable.
Bernard: I'm not tired.
Chris: You will be. Just take a deep breath. Let your eyes get heavy... (Chris moves his hand back and forth over Bernard's sleeping face) Wow. (chuckles) Sleep tight.
Chris: (dream begins) Five! Four! Three! Two!
Chris' Mother: Christopher? Christopher Robin?
Chris: Yes, Mama?
Chris' Mother: Your father forgot his balls again.
Chris: Daddy! Daddy! You forgot your balls again! (climbs into Dad's truck as boy)
Chris (sitting in truck as adult): Bernard! Bernard: Chris, what are you doing here?!
Chris: Oh, Dad forgot his balls again. Mom's tough, what can I say? What'd you do to your hair?
Bernard: I look like a thin Barry White, don't I?
Chris: Yeah, you do.
Bernard: That's why I don't care much for dreams. You never can control the way you look, and people wander in and out and foul up your continuity.
Chris: Well, excuse me Bernard, but I didn't wander into your dream. This is my basic, come-as-you-are, recurring dream where I chase after my father for attention.
Bernard: Then what are you doin' in my daddy's truck?
Chris: Good point. Maybe we'd better ask him who's got first dibs on the dream.
Bernard: Excuse me, have you seen my father?
Carl Jung: No.
Bernard: Guess you win.
Chris: He's not my daddy.
Bernard/Chris: Who are you?
Carl Jung: Hello, boys. I am Carl Jung. And while I know much about the collective unconscious--I don't know how to drive!!
Bernard: Hi! Hi!
Chris: Whoa! Whoa-ho. You want a cigarette?
Bernard: I don't smoke.
Chris: Neither do I.
(both outside smoking)
Chris: Hey, man.
Chris: Whoa (chuckles)
Bernard: Those northern lights are some weird psychic uhh, something, huh?
Bernard: What causes them to do that?
Chris: Well, this is just a guess, but--I think high-speed electrons and protons from the sun are trapped in the Van Allen radiation belt, then they're channeled through the polar regions by the earth's magnetic field, where they collide with other particles and create a brilliant luminosity.
Bernard: What does that have to do with us?
Chris: I swear, man, I don't know.
Chris: I believe you Joel.
Joel: Y-You do? Why?
Chris: Well, it all depends on how you define Adam.
Joel: W-What do you mean "define"?
Bernard: What Chris is saying, and correct me if I'm wrong, it's one thing if Adam is the reincarnation of Bigfoot...
Chris: Quite another if he's some lost soul who..
Bernard: ...for whatever reason...
Chris: ...decided to check out of the human race.
Joel: Yeah, exactly!
Chris: Well, hey Maurice, stranger things have happened. My daddy, he traveled around a lot for work. Every other year, he missed my birthday.
Bernard: That's how it was with my daddy!
Bernard: It was terrible. Every other July 3, he'd be on the road. Consequently I feel half as old as I should be.
Chris: Your birthday's July 3?
Bernard: July 3, 1963. (Chris stares in disbelief) What?
Chris: I was born July 3, 1963.
Chris/Bernard: Do you have a picture of your father?!
Ed (scoffing): That's the same picture.
Chris: That means...when Daddy left Mama and me for weeks at a time, he was...
Bernard: ...With us!
Chris: Well, that makes Daddy a...
Chris/Bernard: ...traveling man!
Holling: I knew somethin' was up by the way they played bridge.
Maurice: This is gettin' way too weird for my taste buds!
Chris: Y'know, growing up, I always used to look at the night sky and wonder why there was something...
Chris: Yeah. (chuckles) The auroras are so much more magical than anything I could have ever imagined.
Bernard: Yeah. Nobody could've dreamt this.
Chris: The wolves are quiet.
Chris: You know, Bernard...I always felt like I had a brother.
Bernard: I always thought you were black.
(both laugh) Bernard: Look, if you ever have any trouble with the IRS...
Chris: I don't pay taxes.
Bernard: You ever get down to Portland?
Chris: I will now.
Bernard: Wow. Just look at them. Hey, remember me when you look up at those auroras.
Chris: Yeah, you too. Y'know, you can see 'em down there five days out of every year, where you are. You just gotta perceive them.
Bernard: Which five days?
Chris: You never know. You just gotta keep looking.
(they shake hands and hug)
- "Goodbye to All That" (2-1)
Chris: It was a long-ago winter's day when me and my best friend Greg "The Joy King" George ripped off Sam Blade Records in downtown Wheeling, West Virginia. Back at the Joy King's, safe and dry, we listened all day to that stolen stash. We dedicate this music to you, Joy King, just starting your latest 5-10 in Lompoc. 'Cause the best way out of winter is through it. Like Carl Jung says, "Embrace your grief for there your soul will grow."
- "The Big Kiss" (2-2)
Chris: They say dreams are the windows of the soul--take a peek and you can see the inner workings; the nuts and bolts.
Chris: After my recent brush with voicelessness, I thought I'd share with you a few thoughts about speech. Don't take it lightly, my friends. If music is the pathway to the heart, as Voltaire suggested, then speech is the pathway to other people. Live in silence and you live alone.
Chris: We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure. It's full of surprises, some good and some bad. Anyway, Maggie, if you're listening, this one's for you.
- "All Is Vanity" (2-3)
Chris: You've been listening to "The Adagio" from Beethoven's 7th Symphony. I think Ludwig pretty much summed up death in this one. You know, he had lost just about all his hearing when he wrote it, and I've often wondered if that didn't help him tune into the final silence of the great beyond.
Chris: The fact that we don't know this man, isn't important really. Cause his experience is our experience, and his fate is our fate. Vani tass, vani tatum, et omni i vani tass, says the preacher. All is vanity I think that's a pretty good epitaph for all of us. When we're stripped of all our worldly possessions and all our fame, family, friends, we all face death alone. But it's that solitude in death that's our common bond in life. I know it's ironic, but that's just the way things are. Vani tass, vani tatum, et omni i vani tass. Only when we understand all is vanity, only then, it isn't.
- "Spring Break" (2-5)
Chris: Wildness, Ed. We're running out of it, even up here in Alaska. People need to be reminded that the world is unsafe and unpredictable, and at a moment's notice, they could lose everything, like that. I do it to remind them that chaos is always out there, lurking beyond the horizon. That, plus, sometimes, Ed, sometimes you have to do something bad, just to know you're alive.
- "War and Peace" (2-6)
Chris: You have to talk to her sometime, Ed.
Chris: Well, because that's what married people do. They communicate.
Chris: I remember my first foray into the realm of the sensual. I was seven years old, back in the trailer park, but I knew as much about life at that moment as I do today.
Maggie: Look, if there's not a duel, then what is the point of this whole story?
Chris: What's the point? The point is man's tendency to war, but Joel here is asking us to step outside of certain events and say enough. Am I right?
Shelly: Listen, whatever, it's getting cold out here.
Marilyn: Why don't we go on to the next scene? It's a pretty good one.
- "Slow Dance" (2-7)
Chris: Today, a belated apology to the much maligned Chicken Little. It turns out you were right--the sky is falling. The National Aeronautics Space Administration informs us that Uncle Sam's Com-Sat 4 satellite is in a rapidly decaying orbit. That's their way of saying a ton of angry space trash is heading back home at 15,000 miles an hour. What does that make me think of? Makes me think of a triceratops, innocently munching a palm frond when out of the sky--whammo!--a meteor sucker punches old mother Earth. Next thing you know, that triceratops, along with a 175 million years of dinosaur evolution, is nothing but history. To that unsung triceratops and all its kin, here's a song for you...
- "Jules et Joel" (3-5)
Chris: There's a dark side to each and every human soul. We wish we were Obi-Wan Kenobi, and for the most part we are, but there's a little Darth Vader in all of us. Thing is, this ain't no either-or proposition. We're talking about dialectics, the good and the bad merging into us. You can run but you can't hide. My experience? Face the darkness. Stare it down. Own it. As brother Nietzsche said, being human is a complicated gig. So give that ol' dark night of the soul a hug. Howl the eternal yes!
- "A-Hunting We Will Go" (3-8)
Ed: What would you give a woman who doesn't seem to want anything?
Chris: Oh yea, the great question: what do women want?
Ed: I don't know, do you?
Chris: Same things we do, only in prettier colors.
(Shelly hurridely walks by)
Ruth-Anne: Hi, Shelly!
Shelly: Hi! Bye!
Ruth-Anne: Is Holling around?
Ruth-Anne (to Chris): Y'know, sometimes her energy scares me a little.
Chris: Shelly? Nah, she just runs on an open circuit, that's all.
Ruth-Anne: But is her ground wire connected? That's my concern...
Chris (smiling): Right, right...
- "Get Real" (3-9)
Steve: Now, think how old you are. Really concentrate. Visualize the number in your mind's eye but don't tell me. ... One of those pieces of paper has your age written on it. You are now gonna throw the dart and hit it.
Chris: Aw, come on, man. Get out of here.
Steve: No, no, no, no, no. Following the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, I use a dimensional space-time equation to figure out the intersection of the dart with the target.
Chris: Wait a second. With a dimensional space-time equation, you still only get a probability wave.
Steve: Whoa. No flies on you. ... You're right. But in quantum physics, there are no absolutes. In a space-time continuum, you've already thrown that dart.
Chris: Wait a second, man. You're still on shaky ground here. In the many-worlds quantum interpretation, there's two realities: one where I throw this here dart, and one where I don't, right, right?
Steve: It's just a trick.
Chris: Right. Incoming, Al! Woo!
Chris (on-air): When we think of a magician, the image that comes to mind is Merlin. Long, white beard, cone-shaped hat, right? You know. Well, in one version of this Arthurian legend, the archetypal sorcerer retires, checks out of the conjuring biz. His reason? The rationalists are taking over. The time for magic's coming to an end. Well, old Merlin should've stuck around 'cause those same rationalists trying to put a rope around reality suddenly found themselves in the psychedelic land of physics, a land of quarks, gluon,s and neutrinos, a place that refuses to play by Newtonian rules, a place that refuses to play by any rules, a place much better suited for the Merlins of the world.
Chris (to Holling): People notice things about their significant other they don't like all the time: the way they chew their food or clip their toenails; it's a necessary part of a real relationship. Personally, I'm not into that, but lots of folks seem to get over the hump and keep fueling the domestic fires. On the other hand, for me, when I begin to see flaws--chinks in the romantic armor--it's a foreshadowing; a sure sign, you know, that love's about to skip out the back door. Adios. Finito, benito.
- "Seoul Mates" (3-10)
Chris (on-air): Season's greetings, everybody, from KBHR, the heart and soul of Cicely, Alaska. This is Chris-in-the-Morning. From where I'm sitting, I've got a great view of all the yuletide decorations going up all over town. That's right, everywhere I turn my head I see ebony birds roosting for the holidays. You know, twinkling colored lights are nice, and so are plastic Santas and reindeers and manger scenes, but I'll tell you something, friends...nothing like the sight of beautiful black-as-pitch raven to get you in the Christmas spirit.
Maurice: I understand the suicide rate goes up dramatically around Christmastime.
Chris: Yeah, well, you know, it's a stressful time of the year for most people, Maurice.
Maurice: Yeah. The thing is, you go through the rest of the year fine. You've got your friends, you've got your business, you're part of the community. And then, 'round the middle of December, if you're alone, you start to feel like an outsider.
Chris (on-air): "'I', said the cow, all white and red. 'I gave him my manger for his bed. I gave him my hay to pillow his head. I', said the cow, all white and red. So every beast by some good spell, in the stable dark was glad to tell, of the gift he gave Immanuel. The gift he gave Immanuel." It's an old legend that, on Christmas Eve at midnight, all the animals fall to their knees and speak, praising the newborn Jesus. Back in the winter of '69, my dad was serving a short time for a DUI, and I don't know where my mom was. Anyway, I was home alone Christmas Eve, and I stayed up extra kind of late to see if my dog Buddy would talk. And he did. I don't remember his exact words, but that's not important. What matters is that a 7-year-old boy experienced his own personal epiphany. What's my point? Well, it's that Christmas reveals itself to us each in a personal way, be it secular or sacred. Whatever Christmas is, and it's many things to many people, we all own a piece of it. It's like...well, it's kind of like Santa's bag. Inside there's a gift for everybody. My Christmas wish for you tonight: may your dog talk.
- "Dateline: Cicely" (3-11)
Chris: Rain usually makes me feel mellow: curl-up-in-a-corner time, slow down, smell the furniture. Today...it just makes me feel wet. What is it about owning things? Why do we feel the need to own what we love, and why do we become such jerks when we do? We've all been there, you know: we want something; we own it; and by owning it we change it. When you finally win that girl of your dreams, the first thing you do is try to change her. That little thing she does with her hair, the way she wears her clothes, the way she chews her gum. Until, eventually, what you like, what you don't like, and what you change, all merges into one. Like a watercolor in the rain.
- "Our Tribe" (3-12)
Chris (to Joel): Sometimes it's hard to avoid the happiness of others.
Chris: Welcome back to another very exciting edition of "Blues in the Night" with Chris in the Morning. We're entertaining any and all requests for music to go with that special moment in life when you just wanna crawl into a hole, shrivel up, and die. Why? Because sometimes you gotta lie down with your pain. Like Carl Jung says, "There's no coming to consciousness without any pain." Let's get conscious, Cicely.
- "Democracy in America" (3-15)
Chris (on-air): My friends, today when I look out over Cicely, I see not a town, but a nation's history written in miniature. Inscribed in the cracked pavement, reverberating from every passing flatbed. Today, every runny nose I see says "America" to me. We were outcasts, scum, the wretched debris of a hostile, aging world. But we came here, we paved roads, we built industries, powerful institutions... Of course, along the way, we exterminated untold indigenous cultures and enslaved generations of Africans. We basically stained our star-spangled banner with a host of sins that can never be washed clean. But today, we're here to celebrate the glorious aspects of our past. A tribute to a nation of free people, the country that Whitman exalted. (reading) "The genius of the United States is not best or most in its executives and legislators, nor in its ambassadors or authors or colleges or churches or parlors, nor even in its newspapers or inventors, but always most in the common people." I've never been so proud to be a Cicelian. I must go out now and fill my lungs with the deep clean air of democracy.
Chris: Eduardo, my friend.
Ed: Hello, Chris.
Chris: Something wrong?
Ed: Well, I'm a little troubled. I've been reading up. And you know, like, the Declaration of Independence, okay? It says, "The government shall derive its just powers from the consent of the governed."
Chris: That's a pretty basic concept, uh, majority rules.
Ed: Okay, okay, now. De Tocqueville says, "The greatest danger to the American republic comes from the omnipotence of the majority."
Chris: Yeah, pretty interesting frog, that Alexis, huh?
Ed: Yeah, yea, okay, okay, okay...Thoreau--now Thoreau says, "Any man more right than his neighbors constitutes a majority of one."
Chris: Civil disobedience: man's last refuge against the state.
Ed: So, who's right?
Chris: Well, they all are.
Ed: Oh... So who are you gonna vote for?
Chris: Well, as an on-air personality, I've pledged neutrality. You know, but an election's more of an abstract, noncompetitive thing for me anyway.
Ed: Oh. Why?
Chris: Well, Ed, the idea of an election is much more interesting to me than the election itself. You see, the act of voting is in itself the defining moment. You know what I mean, Ed? But to answer your question, I'm not gonna vote. I can't.
Ed: You can't vote?
Chris: I'm a convicted felon, Ed. I jumped parole in '87, so they kind of closed the book on me.
Ed: Oh, I'm sorry, Chris.
Chris: That's all right.
Chris: Well, I just wanna applaud y'all for plunging headfirst into the great river of democracy. I mean, our election is just a small tributary. You know, a singular thread in the greater fabric, linked by tradition, love, and honor to the swift, clear, bracing waters from which our traditions are founded. But I'm just saying, let's take a little time out here to slap ourselves on the back, give a kiss on the cheek, a hale and hearty fare-thee-well to all our fine noble Cicelian citizens. Ruth-Anne, candidates, you're happening.
Ruth-Anne: Thank you, Chris. Did you have a question?
Chris: Well, actually, Edna, what I had in mind were some lines from Bashō: "On a withered branch, a crow has alighted: Nightfall in autumn."
(blank stares from everyone in the audience)
Ruth-Anne: Uh, Holling, you have 60 seconds to respond to that.
Holling: Uh, for the life of me, Chris, I haven't a clue what you're talking about.
Chris: Ed, we just witnessed a peaceful transition in government. Do you realize how miraculous that is? ... Today, tiny Cicely, Alaska, stood up and put another "W" in the "win" category for democracy.
- "Wake-Up Call" (3-19)
Chris: Greetings, Cicely, on this most exceedingly beautiful spring morning. A morning swollen with new life, a morning on which, if I had the voice, I would let loose with song. It's hard to believe just a few short weeks ago we were eating our Corn Flakes in the wintry dark. Now, well it's still kind of dim our there, but I can see the golden glow of Apollo's chariot waiting in the wings, about to make its entrance. Winter's on the lam, no doubt.
- "It Happened in Juneau" (3-21)
Chris: Well, alright. That was Rockin' Dopsie and the Zydeco Twisters. And before that...who was before that? Well, before that was Pablo Lubadika Porthos starting things out this quarter hour with...huh. Well, if anybody can remember, go ahead and call it in. Uh, word of warning to the unwary--don't get sick this weekend. Our own Dr. Joel is off for a medical conference in Juneau. Everybody is entitled to a little boondoggle now and then, I suppose. While he's away Joel's provided for an on-call physician from Sleetmute. My advice: take two aspirins and wait 'til Monday. (imitating warbling bird call) Time for the birdwatchers' bulletin board. Sal Valdez gwisglet... (chuckles) Alright. Saldez portaka... Sal Valdez reports a whiskered auklet... Uh... I'm-I'm sorry, people. I seem to be problems. Uh... I-I seem, I seem to be blems gettin' the words out. Tech-Technical difficulties? (turns off microphone)
Chris: Siegfried...Act 1...by Wagner. (smiles in relief)
Maurice: Stevens? What do you think you're doing?
Chris: What do you mean? (clears throat)
'Maurice: You know exactly what I mean. Das Rheingolds one thing, but if you think I'm going to subject myself to the whole Ring of Nibelung, you're (scoffs) sadly mistaken.
Chris: Alright Maurice. The thing is...something the matter is... My voice!
Maurice: What, you got laryngitis or somethin'?
Maurice: Okay, well if you want continuous programming, we've got the gretest musical comedies in the world staring you right in the face. But I want that kraut off my airwaves. Do you understand?
Maurice: Alright, good. Play some show tunes. (leaves the room)
Bernard: Chris! (knocking at window)
Chris: Bernard?! Bernard, is that you!?
Bernard: Hey, brother.
Chris: Oh, man! It's you! I guess the chino's didn't work out in Botswana, huh?
Bernard: Africa called, and I answered.
Chris: Whoo-doggy! Bernard, natural very it on you looks. Uh, what mean I is, very looks natural it you on, Bernard. Comfortable too.
Bernard: You okay?
Chris: No, are you?
Chris: Huh. When'd you get back?
Bernard: Tuesday. You didn't know?
Chris: No. I-I never got your card.
Bernard: I never sent one. I...well, I just thought you'd...know.
Chris: Yeah, right. Right. No blips on the radar.
Bernard and Chris: Wanna get somethin' to eat/drink?
Chris: You're not thirsty?
Bernard: Hungry as a horse. You?
Chris: I'm dry as the Sahara.
Chris and Bernard: Huh... (tilt heads simultaneously)
Bernard: So, this problem started three days ago?
Chris: Maybe two. Suddenly myself all tied up, getting fouled. Words...not come out tight. Like-like-like that.
Bernard: Sounds like gibberish. It's not gibberish really.
Chris: It's not gibberish really. It's like...inversion, skipped words, missed sentences.
Bernard: The condition comes and goes?
Shelly: Eggs sunny side, home fries, whole wheat. Sure I can't get you anything, Chris?
Chris: No. I'm not hungry, Shel.
Shelly: Mmm. Love the beanie.
Bernard: Uh-huh, thanks. I think you should see Dr. Fleischman.
Chris: Can't. Juneau he's in.
Bernard: This could be serious.
Chris: Doesn't feel way. It's more like...
Chris: Something's missing. y'know? Uh...I'm out-of-groove.
Bernard: It sounds like you need to be defibrillated.
Chris: What do you mean, my heart?!
Bernard: No, verbally defibrillated. If your heart can get out of rhythm, why not your tongue?
Chris: Yeah, it's interesting.
Bernard: Well, it's possible that after all these years and all those words, you just need to get re-tracked.
Chris: Like-like reformatting a hard disk.
Bernard: An error message on your C-drive.
Chris: That's interesting.
(after shared dream with Bernard to the song "Toy Cows In Africa" by Chance)
Bernard: Uhh. Ehhh.
(both out of breath together)
Bernard: So, you were getting feet?
Chris: Legs, torso, veld.
Bernard: Neck and head for me.
Bernard: On the run.
Bernard: Had to be.
Chris: Oh, man, this is too strange.
Bernard: Very. Huh. Very, very.
Bernard: Half-dream. Half-soul? (sighs) Half-baked.
Bernard: Well, certain cultures believe that when you dream, your soul becomes a moth that travels the world. It's why some tribes don't allow cats where they sleep; 'cause they're afraid their souls are gonna be captured before they return.
Chris: Karmic freeze-out, huh?
Bernard: That's the theory.
Chris (reaching for his brother's talisman necklace): Bernard, that's only half a moth.
Bernard: You did only remember half the songs you played; only spoke in half sentences.
Chris: Generally, I've been half there only.
Chris: What are you sayin'?
Bernard: Ours is a bind that goes beyond the genetic coil, Chris.
Chris: We the same moth share.
Bernard: So to speak. By my goin' to Africa.
Chris: Buying the talisman.
Bernard: Somehow, half your moth got lost out there.
Chris: Limped back on one wing.
Chris and Bernard: Whoa!
Chris:I'm not buying that for one second. Are you, Bernard?
Bernard: Well, it is a stretch...
Chris: Give it to me.
Chris: Altright, ladies and gentlemen; I'm back. That's right. Chris in the Morning is once again--Chris in the Morning. Mind and body are one. All systems go. Mens sans in corpore sano. To which I can only add; mirabile dictu.
Bernard: Well, it is a stretch...
Chris: Ladies and gentlemen, that's my brother. My karmic doppelganger, my buddy, my twin; who pulled me out of my time in trouble. Bernard, lean on in here and say a few words to the good people of Cicely, huh?
Bernard: Great to see you all again. Glad you enjoyed the slide show. Oh, by the way, don't forget the Pan-African boutique at Ruth-Anne's.
Chris: Alright, here's a little juju from Nigeria to get you in the mood.
Chris: "In dreams begin responsibilities", so wrote the poet. So it is, perhaps. Could it be we take our dreams too lightly, those images from places unknown? Could they in fact be angels in flight; our souls aloft? You know, recent experiences have made yours truly take another pass through the metaphysical thickets. As unlikely as it may sound in this rational age, I emerged on the side of those that cannot help but put their faith in that which cannot be easily explained. Be open to your dreams, people. Embrace that distant shore. Because our mortal journey is over all too soon. "Those cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces, the solemn temples. The great globe itself. Yea all which you inherit shall dissolve and like this insubstantial pageant faded. Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff as dreams are made on and our little life is rounded with asleep."
- "Our Wedding" (3-22)
Chris: Marriage. It's a hard term to define. Especially for me; I've ducked it like root canal. Still, there's no denying the fact that marriage ranks right up there with birth and death as one of the three biggies in the human safari. It's the only one, though, that we'll celebrate with a conscious awareness. Very few of you remember your arrival, and even fewer of you will attend your own funeral. You pick a society, any society: Zuni, Ndembo, Pennsylvania Dutch. What's the one thing they all have in common? Marriage. It's like a cultural handrail. It links folks to the past and guides them to the future. That's not all, though. Marriage is the union of disparate elements. Male and female. Yin and yang. Proton and electron. What are we talking about here? Nothing less than the very tension that binds the universe. You see, when we look at marriage, people, we're are looking at creation itself. "I am the sky," says the Hindu bridegroom to the bride. "You are the earth. We are sky and earth united." (to Adam) You are my husband. (to Eve) You are my wife. My feet shall run because of you. My feet shall dance because of you. My heart shall beat because of you. My eyes see because of you. My mind think because of you, and I shall love because of you. Now, are you guys cool with that? (they nod happily) Then kiss!
- "Northwest Passages" (4-1)
Chris: Marilyn, before we get behind the wheel today, I thought we'd take a little look under the hood. Now, you might ask yourself why. Why? Well, that's a good question. You know, most people, they're afraid of technology. Their solution is just to forget it, you know? They get in the car and they go. They move without understanding. I want you to always keep in mind the words of Robert Pirsig, okay?
Chris: Robert Pirsig. He wrote a book called Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. And he pointed out wisely, I think, Marilyn, that Buddha's just as comfy in the gears of a cycle transmission as he is in the mountaintops or the petals of a flower.
Chris: Let's take a little look-see, shall we? There she is. That's the engine, Marilyn. Isn't she beautiful? Why do we say "she"? Maybe because an engine is both temperamental and powerful.
Chris: Driving's kinda like breathing, see? You can't think too much about it. You're really looking comfortable behind the wheel, Marilyn. That's the important thing: confidence. Confidence, common sense, and consciousness. How you feeling?
Marilyn: All right.
Chris: Good, good. You see, the road, the road is your future. You, the vehicle, and the road, you're part of a continuum.
Chris: Now the vehicle is just a means--it's just an enabler, an extension of your idea. And that's the joy of it, the journey. Now, the greater your rapport with the vehicle, the greater the joy.
Chris: Take my bike. Why do I have a Hog? I could get from A to B in a station wagon, a minivan, a moped, right?
Chris: But for me, a Harley-Davidson, it's the ultimate ultimate driving machine. I think, therefore I [do]. I can go 50. Boom, boom! I'm going 50. I like the smell of the exhaust. I like the rumble. I lean into a curve, she's there for me. (pauses and thinks) This is interesting... This is very interesting... Without realizing it, I was taking all this for granted. I mean, this is what teaching means to the teacher. Makes it all so clear, so crisp, so present. Thank you, Marilyn.
Marilyn: You're welcome.
- "Nothing's Perfect" (4-3)
Chris: Joel, the concept of random death in an indifferent world is one thing, but to be the instrument of that death? A dogkiller? ... I don't suppose you'd tell the owners?
- "Northern Lights" (4-18)
Chris: (unveiling his sculpture) Goethe's final words: "More light." Ever since we crawled out of that primordial slime, that's been our unifying cry: "More light." Sunlight. Torchlight. Candle light. Neon. Incandescent. Lights that banish the darkness from our caves, to illuminate our roads, the insides of our refrigerators. Big floods for the night games at Soldier's Field. Little tiny flashlight for those books we read under the covers when we're supposed to be asleep. Light is more than watts and footcandles. Light is metaphor. "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet." "Rage, rage against the dying of the light." "Lead, kindly light, amid the encircling gloom. Lead Thou me on! The night is dark, and I am far from home. Lead Thou me on! "Arise, shine, for thy light has come." Light is knowledge. Light is life. Light is light.
- "Three Doctors" (5-1)
Chris: Afternoon, Cicely. We have some bright news from the viral battlefield. After peaking at 104.2, Dr. Joel Fleischman's fever finally broke. That's right, the mercury is headed south. The enemy is in full retreat. Dr. Fleischman would like to extend a hearty thank you to everybody who sat vigil at his bedside. Job well done, everyone. Also on the medical front, the Hippocratic Club has accepted a new practitioner. Cicely's own Ed Chigliak, it seems, has been stood for membership. Kudos to you, Ed. A job well done also. I read something about medicine once, and it kind of hit home. Goes like this. "The healer's art at its best is insight wedded to compassion, and thus medicine, no less than religion, is a matter of the spirit, of the figurative heart, of the soul. True medicine embraces the belief that each and every one of us is important, and that we are all under the canopy of heaven alike."
- "I Feel the Earth Move" (5-21)
Maurice: Is it me or has the whole world gone stark staring mad? "Mrs. Patricia Hillman requests the honor of your presence at the presence of her son Eric Reese Hillman to Ronald Arthur Bantz."
Chris: Arthur? I didn't know he had a middle name.
Maurice: Boy, this whole farce makes a mockery of the covenant of marriage.
Chris: What are you gonna wear?
- "The Graduate" (6-17)
William Shakespeare: Thus am I slain.
Chris: Oh, Shakes...Shakes. Talk to me. (gives him a cigarette)
William Shakespeare: (coughs) 'Tis a far, far better thing I do...
William Shakespeare: Yeah, Sarge?
Chris: That's Dickens.
- "Little Italy" (6-18)
Marilyn: Heard you on the radio.
Ruth-Anne (delighted): Did you?
Marilyn: Hope the next one's funnier.
Ruth-Anne (downcast): Well I'll try.
Marilyn: Okay. Bye.
Chris: (enters) Hey, Marilyn.
Marilyn: Hi. (exits)
Chris: Hey Ruth-Anne, getting lots of good feedback down at the station.
Ruth-Anne: Me too.
Chris: It's funny; some people really dig the thematic subtext.
Ruth-Anne: The what?
- "Balls" (6-19)
- "Tranquility Base" (6-23)
Chris: (to Ed) I'm the teflon kid: dozens of chicks, nothing sticks.
- ↑ "Jules et Jule" (3-5)
- ↑ "Tranquillity Base" (6-23)
- ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 "Aurora Borealis" (1-8)
- ↑ "Up River" (6-8)
- ↑ "The Body In Question" (3-6)
- ↑ "A-Hunting We Will Go" (3-8)
- ↑ "The Gift of the Maggie" (5-19)
- ↑ 8.0 8.1 8.2 "Brains, Know-How, and Native Intelligence" (1-2)
- ↑ 9.0 9.1 9.2 "Lovers and Madmen" (5-24)
- ↑ "Things Become Extinct" (3-13)
- ↑ 11.0 11.1 11.2 11.3 "Crime and Punishment" (4-10)
- ↑ "Thanksgiving" (4-8)
- ↑ "Democracy in America" (3-15)
- ↑ 14.0 14.1 "Roots" (3-7)
- ↑ 15.0 15.1 "Jaws of Life" (5-3)
- ↑ 16.0 16.1 "A Kodiak Moment" (1-7)
- ↑ "Kaddish for Uncle Manny" (4-22)
- ↑ 18.0 18.1 18.2 18.3 "The Big Kiss" (2-2)
- ↑ 19.0 19.1 "It Happened In Juneau" (3-21)
- ↑ 20.0 20.1 20.2 "War And Peace" (2-6)
- ↑ http://www.faqs.org/faqs/northern-exposure-faq/
- ↑ "The Three Amigos" (3-16)
- ↑ "The Final Frontier" (3-20)
- ↑ 24.0 24.1 "Northwest Passages" (4-1)
- ↑ 25.0 25.1 "Mr. Sandman" (5-12)
- ↑ 26.0 26.1 "Mud and Blood" (4-23)
- ↑ 27.0 27.1 "Our Wedding" (3-22)
- ↑ "Old Tree" (4-25)
- ↑ "First Snow" (5-10)
- ↑ 30.0 30.1 "Baby Blues" (5-11)
- ↑ 31.0 31.1 "Northern Hospitality" (5-16)
- ↑ "Una Volta in L'Inverno" (5-17)
- ↑ "Fish Story" (5-18)
- ↑ "A Wing and a Prayer" (5-20)
- ↑ "Blood Ties" (5-23)
- ↑ 36.0 36.1 "Cup of Joe" (5-9)
- ↑ 37.0 37.1 "Get Real" (3-9)
- ↑ "The Graduate" (6-17)
- ↑ "Seoul Mates" (3-10)
- ↑ "Oy, Wilderness" (3-3)
- ↑ "Dreams, Schemes, and Putting Greens" (1-4)
- ↑ "Family Feud" (4-19)
- ↑ "I Feel the Earth Move" (5-21)
- ↑ "Dateline: Cicely" (3-11)
- ↑ "Sleeping with the Enemy" (4-24)
- ↑ "Northern Lights" (4-18)
- ↑ "Burning Down The House" (3-14)
- ↑ "Heroes" (4-4)
- ↑ "Full Upright Position" (6-7)
- ↑ 50.0 50.1 "Only You" (3-2)
- ↑ 51.0 51.1 51.2 "Nothing's Perfect" (4-3)
- ↑ "Revelations" (4-12)
- ↑ "Altered Egos" (5-4)
- ↑ "Realpolitik" (6-10)
- ↑ See Buddhism and psychology
- ↑ "The Friendly Beasts"
- ↑ Democracy in America
- ↑ Civil Disobedience
- ↑ "On a whithered branch" (1680)
- ↑ The Tempest: Act IV, Scene 1, Shakespeare
- ↑ One-upping BMW's "ultimate driving machine" advertising slogan.
- ↑ Psalm 119:105
- ↑ "Do not go gentle into that good night", Dylan Thomas
- ↑ "Lead, Kindly Light", John Henry Newman
- ↑ Isaiah 60:1